“I haven’t decided yet, whether to let my ex see my child this weekend”!!!
I can’t tell you how often I hear someone speak this way about whether to let the “ex” have custody for the weekend.
You don’t own your child.
Without question, there can be mitigating circumstances that can alter the schedule. For example, if a child is ill, transferring them “may not” be a good idea. Depending on:
- How ill the child is
- What they are sick with
- What medication they are on
- How contagious they may be
- Who is on the other side to receive them
- Are they taking them for example to a cottage where there isn’t immediate medical support at hand should things worsen
- And… what skills they may or may not have to care properly for the child
However, for the most part, you DON’T OWN your child. It is not really up to you. If they have a parent on the other side that is Ready, Willing and Able, then the child should get to see their parent.
That in fact is the crux of the matter. It’s not whether the parent gets to see the child, it’s a matter of the child seeing their parent. It’s incredibly important for the child to have consistency and access to see their parent on schedule. It is the child that is being punished when visits are prevented.
It’s incredibly important for a parent to learn to let go. Furthermore, they must learn to foster the best relationship possible between the child and their co-parent. No matter how frustrating, it must be done.
Typically, the arguments for prevention of visits run along the lines of:
- They haven’t paid child support
It’s extremely unfortunate when that is the case. However, for the child’s sake, it is no reason for them not to see their parent. The courts take a very dim view of withholding access on this matter
- It’s “my” child and I’ll decide when they should visit
In fact, not only does the child belong equally to both of you, but more importantly, you each belong to your child. They should have full and fair access to both of their parents.
- My ex doesn’t know what to do take care of the child
I will write more extensively on this matter in another article, but in short: You may know how to care for your child best because you’ve spent more time doing so. If this is the case, and sometimes exclusively, then it’s your responsibility to ensure whomever shall have custody of the child is prepared. Whether it’s your ex, your in-laws or a school, it’s incumbent upon you to educate and prepare them. Provide all they will need to properly watch over your child while in their care. Remember, it’s about your child, not revenge and upset with your ex.
Deep sigh…… yes this can be verrrrry difficult at times. But we can’t afford to fail the children.
These are just a few examples of the problems you can run into on this matter. It requires great strength and determination to alter your own position.
You will find that with the right approach, you can often win over your ex and completely reset the playing field. You can establish the foundation for a good co-parenting relationship going forward. It will drastically improve your children’s lives…. And you will be amazed at how different your life can be. You can reduce the stress, the conflict, and frustration immensely. You live in peace, and even have a happy new relationship with someone else, free of ongoing skirmishes with your ex.
While some of you may disagree with aspects of what is written above, please note the following:
Firstly, it’s a very brief article that doesn’t go in depth. There are exceptions to every rule.
Secondly: Very often, it’s not so much just what you do, but how you go about it. The tone and approach you take is very often the key in pressing the reset button, and winning your ex over. It often takes training and skilled coaching to assist you, but the results are well worth the effort.
David Rosenberg is a divorce coach and conflict management specialist.
If you would like assistance with mediation or coaching, feel free to contact him for a consultation. David can provide the in-depth training and on-going advice to resolve the issues.
Reduce the Cost and Conflict… Succeed and Win.